"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
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