"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
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