“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
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