“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
Go to BabaMail
