“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
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