“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
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