“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
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