“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
Go to BabaMail
