"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
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