“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
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