"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
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