“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
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