“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"I don't tan. I burn"
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
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