"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
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