“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
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