“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“Monday should be optional.”
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
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