"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
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