“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
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