“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
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