A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
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