“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
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