“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
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