“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
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