Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
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