"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
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