“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
Go to BabaMail
