“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
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