“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
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