"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
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