“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
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