"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
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