“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
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