“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
Summer should get a speeding ticket
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
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