"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
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