“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
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