It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
Summer should get a speeding ticket
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
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