“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
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