“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
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