“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
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