"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
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