"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
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