"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
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