“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
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