“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
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