“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
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