"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke