"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
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