“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
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