“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
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