“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
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