“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
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