“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
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