“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"I don't tan. I burn"
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
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