"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
The temperature can only go up from here.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“Monday should be optional.”
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
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