“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
Summer should get a speeding ticket
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
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