“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
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