“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
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