“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
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