“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
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