“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
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