“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
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