“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
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