“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
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