“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
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