“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
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