Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
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