Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
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