“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Monday should be optional.”
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
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