“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
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