“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
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