"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
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