"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
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