"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
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