“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
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