"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
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