“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
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