The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
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