“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
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