“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
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