When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
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