"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"I don't tan. I burn"
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
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