“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"Time wounds all heels."
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
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