"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
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