"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
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