“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"I don't tan. I burn"
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
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