I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
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