“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
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