“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
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