“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
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