“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
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