“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
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