“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
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