“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
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