“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
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