Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"I don't tan. I burn"
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
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